In the Company of Another

I wrote this poem in January 2001, having no idea I had ADD.  Reading it now – knowing this mutant power lives inside me, I realize how insane I was feeling.  Any of you ADDers feel like this?  What do you do about relieving these feelings?  

People say all the time I’m this or I’m that 

Some want my blessing for some it’s tit for tat

Or maybe just to fill some God-shaped void

 

I turn a deaf ear past the shallow affection

So they give up fighting for my attention

They think it’s too hard, the price too steep

It’s not hard to find, but not easy to keep

 

I’m not looking for love

I’m looking for forever

I’m fine if I don’t find it ‘cause

What’s worse than being alone

In the company of another

 

I’m sorry I gave you a ring

I didn’t mean to bug you

It’s ok, know talk’s not your thing

just wondering how you’re doing

Thanks for your time I’ll see you around

Maybe next time if I’m back in town

 

As I wait at the stop opportunities past me by

Like buses headed to places other people wanna try

Thanks for stopping but I’m not getting on

I’m just gonna wait for the right one to come along

 

I’m not looking for love

I’m searching for forever

If I don’t find it that’s okay ‘cause

What’s worse than being alone

In the company of another

 

Is the price of waiting worth all the pain

Just for someone to ride my train

Looking for connection, the comfort of being

Why is the simple life so excruciating?

 

I’m not searching for love

I’m waiting for forever

I’m fine if I don’t find it

What’s worse than feeling alone

In the company of another

Under The Bridge

Being ADHD in a town that can be so NOT ADHD friendly is rough on the knees. This could be an ADD theme song. I dedicate this to my therapist and coach, KK.

UNDER THE BRIDGE – Red Hot Chili Peppers

Sometimes I feel
Like I dont have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angel
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I drive on her streets
cause shes my companion
I walk through her hills
cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie

I dont ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

Its hard to believe
That theres nobody out there
Its hard to believe
That Im all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I dont ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away

I’m an ADD Omelet Scrambling to Happen.

What? Who knows. It sounded cool when it arrived in my head, so I just said it. That’s ADD for you. Not thinking before speaking. Working on it!

I have big ideas. With only small powers to execute. I can’t. I have ADD. I recently found out. My feelings are mixed – regret about the past, encouraged about the future, stuck in the moment. I just took my 2nd Adderall pill tonight. But instead of working on my Great American Play, I’m writing this damn blog.

I signed up for an ADD support group. It’s something, right? I have visions of seeing Meatloaf with his big boobs sobbing all over me ala Fight Club. Will it be a circle of people who are incessantly rambling? Will we pay attention to each other’s testimonials from start to finish or will our minds be wandering around the room, floating in helium-state toward space?

I have a deadline for my play on June 2, and here I am dicking around on a blog. A cry for help? Who’s really listening anyway? I write these blogs for posterity, so when I’m found face down, they can read this and make an independent movie out of it.

Turning the Corner

TURNING THE CORNER

The hail comes
coping with hope
surprised
the capacity for human behavior
derailed
hindered
trying to forget
I have admiration
for people who can forget about you
People who come and go
I don’t have that talent
Is there a drug for that?
Move forward, soldier.
Nothing to see here.
Finish the goddam story already.
“She buries me. She makes me invisible.”
the city I live in.
craving to be heard
needing a hand.
“where is this love”
“all i hear are easy words”
closer to what?

Centrifugal force
Too great
To turn the corner

I’m an Adderall All-Star

I woke up with a bad feeling. A ticking clock over my head. Time is running out, isn’t it? Stuck in a Metairie hotel with a stove and dishes and pans, and I had some kind of epiphany yesterday that I was going to save money by going to the grocery store and cook my own food. But I forgot to buy dishwashing liquid and a sponge. Just don’t feel like going out to the grocery store again today because this ticking clock is forcing me to sit at my laptop to finish the screenplay. So I’ll just nuke a hot dog or eat some granola cereal. And then I’ll take an Adderall. Then I’ll write for hours and hours and hours. Hopefully.

Swing Thoughts in the Rough

Today was one of those thinking days…as I was driving around all over Hell-A – like being in some of the worst rough on the golf course – my mind unsettled, pondering, contemplating, second guessing, hoping, wondering, waiting, trying…the 101 north, past downtown, then to Paramount Studios, then up Vine and back on the 101 and then over the hill to Ventura Blvd, then through Toluca Lake, and then to Burbank, then back home for groceries, which made me think of Lafayette for some reason, missing new friends. A melancholy feeling creeping up all day leading to a birthday card made for me that I read, and I just, I just don’t know. I just draw a deep breath and take it in, unsure what anything really means.

A day of increasing melancholy turned into a momentous moment of clarity. Those of you who read my ramblings, I wish you the same moments of clarity.

My swing thoughts:

• honor yourself
• just show up
• no expectations